MY PERSONAL ISSUES
I felt it was important that I was completely transparent about my infidelities with other men at the gym, and my feud with Rep. Jasmine Crockett.
Dear Jasmine
It’s time I get something off my awkward looking chest: I’m completely jealous of Rep. Jasmine Crockett. Let’s face it, she’s everything I pretend to be: intelligent, poised, and actually respected in a room full of adults. While I’m busy shouting over people and waving around conspiracy theories like they’re coupons for outrage, Jasmine’s out there doing the work, gracefully, I might add. Her arguments are sharp, her presence commands attention, and she somehow manages to call out hypocrisy without needing a bullhorn and a meltdown. Meanwhile, I’m stuck ranting about space lasers and yelling “communism!” at clouds.
Honestly, it’s embarrassing. Jasmine is everything I wish I could be. Thoughtful, articulate, and actually fighting for people instead of just shouting their fears back at them for a few retweets. She stands tall, and I just stand loud. Maybe if I spent more time learning from her instead of interrupting her, I’d actually deserve a seat at the same table. It’s obvious I’ve been outclassed.
My Affairs
Yes, I had affairs. Not just one, but a couple. A tantric sex guru? Absolutely. A gym manager? You bet. And why? Because while the left is busy screaming about "moral decay," I’m out here giving them a damn good reason to scream. I’m not just talking about family values, I’m stress-testing them. If I’m gonna preach about commitment and purity, I want to make sure I know what I’m talking about when I throw it all away for a guy named Zane who sells kettlebells.
You think that makes me a hypocrite? Maybe. Or maybe I’m just living proof that it’s easier to legislate everyone else’s bedroom than control my own. Consider it patriotic multitasking. Fighting socialism during the day, breaking commandments at night. God Bless America.
